I don’t always like my feelings. I some times hate the way that I feel. I wish that I could always feels happy and never have to feel the feelings of despair or loneliness that I sometimes feel. Even when I am surrounded by the people that love me the most, I can feel completely alone.
I have come a long way from my youth when more often then not I my emotion ran my life and I was at the mercy of how I felt. Where I would indulge in my emotions and it would seem that I had very little control over how I felt.
As I grow older I am learning more to be with my feelings rather than avoid them. I have found that if I can feel them they don’t last and eventually the pain goes away. I can be listening to a song or be watching a movie when a huge wave of emotion comes over me and I feel as though I am drowning in my own emotions. Panic grips me and I become lost, unable to breath. It is at these times that I can either indulge in them or try to avoid them altogether and it is when I do this I start to get into trouble. This is not an every day occurrence but it does make life difficult when it occurs.
It is hard to know what is real and not. I am starting to learn that a lot of what I thought was real is not. I always though that everyone thought the same way that I do. And I am finding out that they don’t. I thought that everyone felt the same way that I do, and guess what, they don’t, that is not true either. The way that I feel and think and act is only one of an infinite number of possible ways of feeling, thinking and acting. I am starting to really get how much of a stimulus response mechanism I am. I have noticed this most recently in written communication. It is easy with written communication because I can always go back and review what is actually written after my immediate response to what I think is written.
This reasoning, that everyone thinks and feels the same way that I do, has been why I have strived my whole like to be individual and different from everyone else. Always trying to find that thing that will have me be different, only to find out that I have worn a badge of conformity call unique and individual. As I looked around I started to see all those others striving to be different wearing the same unique dress code of conformity called different, its not hard to miss and yet you ask any of them and they won’t be able to see it, just as I couldn’t and still sometime can’t.
I feel my emotions deeply and while sometimes this can be a good thing most of the time it can be very difficult to live with. It can make watching the news a nightmare, to see the cruelty and atrocity in the world, they way that people treat each other, and sometimes it all seems fruitless and hopeless. I wonder why people even bother trying to help. I bury my head in the sand and pretend that none of it is happening. I am learning that while I can live my life without the high highs and low lows of my emotions, when I do I am not living at all.
I am reminded of the story of the little boy on the beach throwing starfish back into the water. A man walking down the beach comes up to the little boy and cynically asks “Why are you bothering to throw them back into the water, there are hundreds of starfish on the beach? What difference are you really going to make?” The little boy stops and thinks for a little while and looks at the starfish in his hand and throws it into the sea. He turns around to the man and says “It made a difference to that one”
So here I was all the while thinking that I thought so differently from others, that I couldn’t make a difference, yet as I get to know people I am finding that I am not so different from everybody else and that really making a difference just starts with one person. I am finding that my fears are the same as others, that that my feelings are the same and that I want for the same sorts of things as others do. I am finding that really we all want to make a difference. If I can make a difference for just one person, than that person can make a difference for one person and so on and so forth until it spreads across the planet. Imagine this, if every person in a stadium held a candle (and this is the most amazing thing to see) and just one person lit their candle and passed that light on to one person and then they each passed the light on to another person, again and again, it would take very little time for that one little candle to eventually become the source of a sea of of light in that stadium. Think about it.
I have grown up keeping myself so distant from others in the fear that I might get hurt, I have never really let anyone get close to me. I am now realising that it is time that I started to let people in and get close and start to get to know who the real me is, as I have been trying to keep it hidden for so long, feeling that people would not get me or accept me, for who I am. I don’t think that this is too terribly far from the truth for most people.
Ever since I can remember I have believed in reincarnation. I have lived my life with the fear that when I died I will forget this life and have to do it all over again and I have been holding on to not forgetting this life so hard I have forgotten to live this one. I have been avoiding my life and letting it race by, sleeping through it and sleep through what I haven’t wanted to feel or do. I no longer want to do this and live my life this way. I want to feel it all, live it all, every moment, with each moment being new and precious. Now this is not such an easy task, as I have conditioned myself to live the other way. I have conditioned myself to switch off and avoid life.
So what now? What from here? I don’t know, that is the excitement of it, I get to make it up as I go. It is all new and with each day I can take steps to create something new in my life, each day I can talk about what I am creating with those people in my life. I will remember to breathe in and out and that I am human and sometimes I make mistakes and that I will forget.
So I plan to write about about the things I have done or created. I want write about where I am going and what I am up to. Will what I write change over time? I’m am as sure as day turns to night and night back to day again that it will evolve, as nothing stays static. Everything grows and evolves. It is all about getting the thoughts out of my head, freeing me up to be in the moment. Again not so easy to do, but as I continue to create my world with those around me, they will start to call forth in me that which I create, calling me into action. Then my environment around me will begin to be consistent with what I am up for in life the difference I want to make. Sure challenges will come my way but what fun is life without the roller coaster ride?
As I start to create that which I want in my life, so my life will begin to head in that direction. These are my thoughts and and I am not sure if my thought always make sense to others, sometime they don’t seem to make the slightest sense to me. I think when I write it will be more about giving myself the clarity and freedom to just be and keep clearing my mind of clutter allowing myself the room to create newly and with passion. Creating a blank page to express myself, come join me on my ride.