So here I am typing my thought in the hope to clear my head and allow my inspiration to follow and produce something of quality.
I am sitting on the back landing of a farm house. And you would think that that being alone could inspire me, especially when there is not another living soul for miles except those I am here sharing the house with. All there is except for me is the wilderness. Spring is truly here and the weather is warming up and in the distance I see the hills, the sky is blue and only a few wisps of cloud spot the sky here and there. While all this before me does not all belong to the property I am on it is so easy to imagine that it is all part this farm.
While I am loving being here, I feel isolated as I have had no real access to technology except the use of my laptop and the use of my mobile phone when I go into town. Some times I have been standing in the driveway or go walking up the road in the hope to get reception and some times I do, then quickly I send an email or check messages. I thought this would be a great environment for me to write. However all I have wanted is to be able to have access to the internet which has become a real distraction for me.
I feel I am being so lazy at the moment, I want to write, but I just keep saying to myself. ‘Later, I’ll do it later.’ And of course later comes and I don’t want to do it then. I think to myself what will I write about, I don’t know and I wait for something to inspire me. So I sit down to write some poetry and nothing comes. I get frustrated with myself and I think it has all been done before, how can there be anything new to write about. The idea was that while I am away, I will be able to take the time to write as usually I am unable to do so.
I can’t say that it has all been fruitless, my camera has been worked over time and I have some really great photographs. And I have written some more to a story I have been writing, and thank god as I haven’t written anything new in a long time. I keep thinking if only I was here or there with my laptop, and I was writing then I would be inspired but I know that that is a load of old crap, because then I would still be behaving in the same manner as I have been just in a different place and I will have created nothing new, as I will still be coming from my same old thoughts rather than writing from a blank page, writing newly and freshly.
So vainly in an attempt to do this I an trying to dump all the thoughts that I am having go round in my head out on this page. And I think really there are many things I could write but there are so many things I am just not willing to write in the fear of looking stupid and so therefore in the interest of still looking and sound good I refuse to acknowledge those things that if declared would give me some sense of freedom.
I am still concerned that I am so different from everyone else that no one will ultimately get me or understand me. I am constantly searching to see that I am liked or that people find me interesting. Like most people I fear rejection. I fear being all alone with no one. I want to be liked and I want people to find me interesting. And yet if I keep going the way I have been going all I will do is end up creating everything that I fear.
So what does this have to do with anything? Well I don’t know, but what I do want to know is how do I create something new, especially if the way I live has become a habit?
That is what I am willing to find out. I want to understand why people do the things that they do. I want to learn to communicate more effectively with people as I find it difficult to communicate with others, especially when most of the time I am not interested in what other people have to say. I try to get interested, but I usually just end up switching off. I know many people, but I only have a few people in my life that I would consider close friends. I find it so rare to find someone who is interesting and have even fewer that I can sit down and have an intellectual conversation with or that challenge me.
I wonder if I am alone in thinking this way or if other people also think the same way I do. I wonder if there is some other way I could be acting or being that would allow me to be with people, to get more in touch with humanity. How do you get interested in other people, and I mean truly interested and not just at a superficial level?
I think ultimately I have just created more questions for myself, but I don’t know if I am expecting an answer. Well I guess I do want answers, but I always find that when I just put the question out there some how the universe provides me with the answer. I also find that when I create new possibilities the first thing that shows up is everything that isn’t that possibility. There are two things that I am creating for myself at the moment. I have been drawn to the possibility of being the love that others look to and the other possibility is that when the heart is full the lips are silent.
At present as I have said people tend to bore the crap out of me so I have a long way to go in being the love that others look to. I usually only get bored in communication with others when I think there is somewhere else to be or a more interesting person I could be talking to or worse that I have something more interesting to say then they have. However one of the things that I have been finding is that when I get myself out of the way, and what I mean by that is when I get the identity that I call myself out of the way, what starts to show up for others is someone who is genuinely interested in them. I also have found when I fully immerse myself in a conversation I lose track of time and all else fades away.
I also find that time slows down when I am truly being with another human being , I have so much less to say or need to say. It can be very difficult to truly be with other people, and I mean be with them, look them in the eye and to keep eye contact with them throughout an entire conversation. I previously have personally looked at a person’s mouth when they were speaking, as I believed that I could not hear them unless I did so.
It was put to me that maybe the reason I did this was because subconsciously I did not see eye to eye with the person I was talking to. I have since taken this on and started to look people in the eye when communicating. At first I found this difficult but over time I have found this easier to achieve. I have however notice that the time I find it most difficult to do this is when someone is giving me a compliment. I have also noticed how much I want to avoid being with the compliments of others and yet one of the most important parts of being with other people is being able to accept their compliments.
I am on a journey of learning and growth. I am open to the thoughts of other people. Who knows where my life is going but I am sure that if I am willing to leave everything I know behind and I am willing to embrace and accept new ways of being then in the future I will be unrecognisable to who I know myself to be right now.
Finally I will leave you with this. If I am who I am now as a result of everything I am already doing and I keep doing what I am already doing then all I will get is more of the same of what I already have. So it will take me being and acting in a way inconsistent with who I already know myself to be that will give me a life anything other than what I already have.