Inside this mind a tangle web
Thoughts a tide flow and ebb
A jungle full, imagination wild
Grow within a frightened child
Stranded here and full of doubt
Lost and confused no way out
Trodden down and hypnotised
Innocence of youth is paralysed
Nowhere to go for any hope
Somehow I’ve learn to cope
Me alone to unearth the way
Temptation can lead me astray
I know that not all hope is gone
It’s always dark before the dawn
For now I found my light within
My true adventure can begin
Inside there’s fear I can’t erase
But it is something I can face
Breaking free constraints of old
Ready to face this life untold
My freedom but a leap of faith
A gentle voice tells me I’m safe
I close my eyes I take a breath
To think how close I was to death
So much ahead for me to lose
And now it is my life I choose
A chance to live and fall in love
I thank my guardians up above
written by JJ
Project Photo Me
Wow, I can’t believe I backed up from yesterday’s swim with a 14km walk today. First time around the cove was easy, the second not so easy. Half way around the second time I didn’t think I could do it. Lol, too late to change my mind.
Problem was the car was on the other side of the cove and unlike my swim yesterday where I could have just stopped at any time, today I had to make it all the way back. Of course I did, or otherwise I would not be here writing.
This photo is of me feeling very weak at the knees and in desperate need for some water. I have a long way to go yet to get to being able to run a 42km marathon. But it is a great start to getting myself fit and healthy.
This photo is also a part of a series called “Project Photo Me” which I have only just started, where I take a photo of myself everyday in different situations. My concern at the moment is that most of the photos will be of me in my work uniform at work, which I thought might be quite boring. I guess time will tell how interesting they all are. So for now I am taking photos on the weekends rather than every day. The idea is to ask other people to take my photo rather than taking selfies and post photos how I look and am, rather than picking and choosing photos I think might make me look my best. Hence I have not made most of the pictures public at the moment only this one. As I become more comfortable with the idea I will begin to make more of them public.
I would be interested to get the thoughts of other people on the idea and whether I am just being overly self-critical of myself and much too worried about what other people think by not posting more of the pictures. It is only new to me and I guess ultimately the thought behind the idea is that this exercise has me get over myself and my fear of what others think. So what do you think?
A good friend of mind once said to me “You really don’t know what’s worth living for until you know what’s worth dying for”. If I look back on it, it took me a long while to get what he meant. I lived in the world of trying to find myself, like that would give me a better understanding of where i was headed in life. As I reflected on his words I started to get a clearer understanding of what he was saying and today I believe his words to be so true.
That which is worth dying for gives inspiration and passion. We see it all the time in the world around us. Especially with parent who would do any thing for their kids. Sometimes they would risk anything for them, like a mother risking her own life in labour to bring the life of a child into the world. A parent giving up an organ to save the life of their child. People say that after moments like these they get a new-found lease on life. Why is this I wonder?
In moments like these there is very little time for reflection on life, “Who am I and where am I headed?”. There is only room for action. Sometimes when there appears no way forward a path appears miraculously from nowhere. Persistence and faith that there will be a way, that there will be positive outcome can create the space for something unexplainable to take place.
Trying to find yourself is like trying to find the path when there is no path yet to take as the path has not head been created. You are going to stand still until that moment of inertia has finally passed and you are willing to take a step forward into the unknown and take a risk in life. Take a gamble and bet on yourself. The odds maybe stacked against you and failure may be immanent, however when your life is created, you get to say where it goes, you get to say what it is you want to do. Failure doesn’t make you a loser. Failure is just a set back, a learning opportunity to find out what works and what doesn’t work on the path to success.
Another good friend of mine said “Unless you are making up your life moment by moment, you can only be coming from the past”. What he meant was unless you are creating life in every moment you can only ever have what the past has ever previously delivered. The past is a good thing it teaches us about possible dangers in life, however some dangers are real and some are perceived and more often than not it is the perceived dangers that cause us to hesitate in life. We end up stuck in a rut, doing the same things over and over hoping for a different result or something new to occur, dreaming of one day someday maybe with a fear that something bad might happen to us but not really remembering why. Hence, I try to live by the motto, “If everything I am doing today in giving me what I already have, then it will take me doing something different to what I am already doing to give me a new future”. Therefore a new future requires me to create something new in my life.
I have learned that life isn’t about changing the past, it is about accepting what has gone before and moving on. I have to stop trying to change the world and start creating the one I want to live in (Be the change you want to see in the world). My wife said to me once “You want the million dollars you just don’t want it in dollar coins” and she was right, I had to admit it. What she was saying was I had everything I wanted in life around me, I just didn’t like the way it looked. She was saying I already had the million dollars, I just didn’t want to accept the way it was because that might mean that I might have to accept that everything I was ever striving for, trying to get, was already there and I didn’t like that. If that is true, I have to ask myself the question “Now what?”.
So if I want to live a life worthy of living, a life where I get a say in who I am, I get to say what I do in the world and I get to create where I am going and the difference I want to make, what is it going to take?
First I need to stop trying to find myself like I am lost. And really how do you find yourself? Look out the window one day and suddenly go “oh there you are behind that tree, get over here I need to start living”. Quite a funny thought really. No I have to learn to love what I already have and choose it like I wanted it and asked for it because in a way I did, as my life has been created by the sum result of all my previous actions and inactions.
And finally to start actively creating the journey moment by moment.
The tears I have cried
Rivers and streams
The torrents so wide
No where to hide
I run to my dreams
No end in sight
I look to the sun
Burning so bright
I run and I run
Fearful in flight
I’m coming undone
The pain will move on
As sure as can be
And when it gone
Filled up with glee
No longer forlorn
There’ll be a new me
So don’t be afraid
For I’ll be alright
This life I’ve made
As day turns to night
Strength never to fade
Will fill up with light
My journey’s in view
The seed I have sowed
I know if only I knew
What lay down the road
My path would be true
And lightened my load
As my future unravels
With visions I’m shown
To reveal little marvels
By the winds I’ll be blown
Always forward in travels
To destinations unknown
written by JJ
So here I am typing my thought in the hope to clear my head and allow my inspiration to follow and produce something of quality.
I am sitting on the back landing of a farm house. And you would think that that being alone could inspire me, especially when there is not another living soul for miles except those I am here sharing the house with. All there is except for me is the wilderness. Spring is truly here and the weather is warming up and in the distance I see the hills, the sky is blue and only a few wisps of cloud spot the sky here and there. While all this before me does not all belong to the property I am on it is so easy to imagine that it is all part this farm.
While I am loving being here, I feel isolated as I have had no real access to technology except the use of my laptop and the use of my mobile phone when I go into town. Some times I have been standing in the driveway or go walking up the road in the hope to get reception and some times I do, then quickly I send an email or check messages. I thought this would be a great environment for me to write. However all I have wanted is to be able to have access to the internet which has become a real distraction for me.
I feel I am being so lazy at the moment, I want to write, but I just keep saying to myself. ‘Later, I’ll do it later.’ And of course later comes and I don’t want to do it then. I think to myself what will I write about, I don’t know and I wait for something to inspire me. So I sit down to write some poetry and nothing comes. I get frustrated with myself and I think it has all been done before, how can there be anything new to write about. The idea was that while I am away, I will be able to take the time to write as usually I am unable to do so.
I can’t say that it has all been fruitless, my camera has been worked over time and I have some really great photographs. And I have written some more to a story I have been writing, and thank god as I haven’t written anything new in a long time. I keep thinking if only I was here or there with my laptop, and I was writing then I would be inspired but I know that that is a load of old crap, because then I would still be behaving in the same manner as I have been just in a different place and I will have created nothing new, as I will still be coming from my same old thoughts rather than writing from a blank page, writing newly and freshly.
So vainly in an attempt to do this I an trying to dump all the thoughts that I am having go round in my head out on this page. And I think really there are many things I could write but there are so many things I am just not willing to write in the fear of looking stupid and so therefore in the interest of still looking and sound good I refuse to acknowledge those things that if declared would give me some sense of freedom.
I am still concerned that I am so different from everyone else that no one will ultimately get me or understand me. I am constantly searching to see that I am liked or that people find me interesting. Like most people I fear rejection. I fear being all alone with no one. I want to be liked and I want people to find me interesting. And yet if I keep going the way I have been going all I will do is end up creating everything that I fear.
So what does this have to do with anything? Well I don’t know, but what I do want to know is how do I create something new, especially if the way I live has become a habit?
That is what I am willing to find out. I want to understand why people do the things that they do. I want to learn to communicate more effectively with people as I find it difficult to communicate with others, especially when most of the time I am not interested in what other people have to say. I try to get interested, but I usually just end up switching off. I know many people, but I only have a few people in my life that I would consider close friends. I find it so rare to find someone who is interesting and have even fewer that I can sit down and have an intellectual conversation with or that challenge me.
I wonder if I am alone in thinking this way or if other people also think the same way I do. I wonder if there is some other way I could be acting or being that would allow me to be with people, to get more in touch with humanity. How do you get interested in other people, and I mean truly interested and not just at a superficial level?
I think ultimately I have just created more questions for myself, but I don’t know if I am expecting an answer. Well I guess I do want answers, but I always find that when I just put the question out there some how the universe provides me with the answer. I also find that when I create new possibilities the first thing that shows up is everything that isn’t that possibility. There are two things that I am creating for myself at the moment. I have been drawn to the possibility of being the love that others look to and the other possibility is that when the heart is full the lips are silent.
At present as I have said people tend to bore the crap out of me so I have a long way to go in being the love that others look to. I usually only get bored in communication with others when I think there is somewhere else to be or a more interesting person I could be talking to or worse that I have something more interesting to say then they have. However one of the things that I have been finding is that when I get myself out of the way, and what I mean by that is when I get the identity that I call myself out of the way, what starts to show up for others is someone who is genuinely interested in them. I also have found when I fully immerse myself in a conversation I lose track of time and all else fades away.
I also find that time slows down when I am truly being with another human being , I have so much less to say or need to say. It can be very difficult to truly be with other people, and I mean be with them, look them in the eye and to keep eye contact with them throughout an entire conversation. I previously have personally looked at a person’s mouth when they were speaking, as I believed that I could not hear them unless I did so.
It was put to me that maybe the reason I did this was because subconsciously I did not see eye to eye with the person I was talking to. I have since taken this on and started to look people in the eye when communicating. At first I found this difficult but over time I have found this easier to achieve. I have however notice that the time I find it most difficult to do this is when someone is giving me a compliment. I have also noticed how much I want to avoid being with the compliments of others and yet one of the most important parts of being with other people is being able to accept their compliments.
I am on a journey of learning and growth. I am open to the thoughts of other people. Who knows where my life is going but I am sure that if I am willing to leave everything I know behind and I am willing to embrace and accept new ways of being then in the future I will be unrecognisable to who I know myself to be right now.
Finally I will leave you with this. If I am who I am now as a result of everything I am already doing and I keep doing what I am already doing then all I will get is more of the same of what I already have. So it will take me being and acting in a way inconsistent with who I already know myself to be that will give me a life anything other than what I already have.
I don’t always like my feelings. I some times hate the way that I feel. I wish that I could always feels happy and never have to feel the feelings of despair or loneliness that I sometimes feel. Even when I am surrounded by the people that love me the most, I can feel completely alone.
I have come a long way from my youth when more often then not I my emotion ran my life and I was at the mercy of how I felt. Where I would indulge in my emotions and it would seem that I had very little control over how I felt.
As I grow older I am learning more to be with my feelings rather than avoid them. I have found that if I can feel them they don’t last and eventually the pain goes away. I can be listening to a song or be watching a movie when a huge wave of emotion comes over me and I feel as though I am drowning in my own emotions. Panic grips me and I become lost, unable to breath. It is at these times that I can either indulge in them or try to avoid them altogether and it is when I do this I start to get into trouble. This is not an every day occurrence but it does make life difficult when it occurs.
It is hard to know what is real and not. I am starting to learn that a lot of what I thought was real is not. I always though that everyone thought the same way that I do. And I am finding out that they don’t. I thought that everyone felt the same way that I do, and guess what, they don’t, that is not true either. The way that I feel and think and act is only one of an infinite number of possible ways of feeling, thinking and acting. I am starting to really get how much of a stimulus response mechanism I am. I have noticed this most recently in written communication. It is easy with written communication because I can always go back and review what is actually written after my immediate response to what I think is written.
This reasoning, that everyone thinks and feels the same way that I do, has been why I have strived my whole like to be individual and different from everyone else. Always trying to find that thing that will have me be different, only to find out that I have worn a badge of conformity call unique and individual. As I looked around I started to see all those others striving to be different wearing the same unique dress code of conformity called different, its not hard to miss and yet you ask any of them and they won’t be able to see it, just as I couldn’t and still sometime can’t.
I feel my emotions deeply and while sometimes this can be a good thing most of the time it can be very difficult to live with. It can make watching the news a nightmare, to see the cruelty and atrocity in the world, they way that people treat each other, and sometimes it all seems fruitless and hopeless. I wonder why people even bother trying to help. I bury my head in the sand and pretend that none of it is happening. I am learning that while I can live my life without the high highs and low lows of my emotions, when I do I am not living at all.
I am reminded of the story of the little boy on the beach throwing starfish back into the water. A man walking down the beach comes up to the little boy and cynically asks “Why are you bothering to throw them back into the water, there are hundreds of starfish on the beach? What difference are you really going to make?” The little boy stops and thinks for a little while and looks at the starfish in his hand and throws it into the sea. He turns around to the man and says “It made a difference to that one”
So here I was all the while thinking that I thought so differently from others, that I couldn’t make a difference, yet as I get to know people I am finding that I am not so different from everybody else and that really making a difference just starts with one person. I am finding that my fears are the same as others, that that my feelings are the same and that I want for the same sorts of things as others do. I am finding that really we all want to make a difference. If I can make a difference for just one person, than that person can make a difference for one person and so on and so forth until it spreads across the planet. Imagine this, if every person in a stadium held a candle (and this is the most amazing thing to see) and just one person lit their candle and passed that light on to one person and then they each passed the light on to another person, again and again, it would take very little time for that one little candle to eventually become the source of a sea of of light in that stadium. Think about it.
I have grown up keeping myself so distant from others in the fear that I might get hurt, I have never really let anyone get close to me. I am now realising that it is time that I started to let people in and get close and start to get to know who the real me is, as I have been trying to keep it hidden for so long, feeling that people would not get me or accept me, for who I am. I don’t think that this is too terribly far from the truth for most people.
Ever since I can remember I have believed in reincarnation. I have lived my life with the fear that when I died I will forget this life and have to do it all over again and I have been holding on to not forgetting this life so hard I have forgotten to live this one. I have been avoiding my life and letting it race by, sleeping through it and sleep through what I haven’t wanted to feel or do. I no longer want to do this and live my life this way. I want to feel it all, live it all, every moment, with each moment being new and precious. Now this is not such an easy task, as I have conditioned myself to live the other way. I have conditioned myself to switch off and avoid life.
So what now? What from here? I don’t know, that is the excitement of it, I get to make it up as I go. It is all new and with each day I can take steps to create something new in my life, each day I can talk about what I am creating with those people in my life. I will remember to breathe in and out and that I am human and sometimes I make mistakes and that I will forget.
So I plan to write about about the things I have done or created. I want write about where I am going and what I am up to. Will what I write change over time? I’m am as sure as day turns to night and night back to day again that it will evolve, as nothing stays static. Everything grows and evolves. It is all about getting the thoughts out of my head, freeing me up to be in the moment. Again not so easy to do, but as I continue to create my world with those around me, they will start to call forth in me that which I create, calling me into action. Then my environment around me will begin to be consistent with what I am up for in life the difference I want to make. Sure challenges will come my way but what fun is life without the roller coaster ride?
As I start to create that which I want in my life, so my life will begin to head in that direction. These are my thoughts and and I am not sure if my thought always make sense to others, sometime they don’t seem to make the slightest sense to me. I think when I write it will be more about giving myself the clarity and freedom to just be and keep clearing my mind of clutter allowing myself the room to create newly and with passion. Creating a blank page to express myself, come join me on my ride.